Overall this book is very eye opening The title seems a little damming, but it is actually a book that explores all facets of attachment There are several outdated and misogynistic thinking portions in the book, and that really takes away from the clear ideas otherwise presented. There was a shocking amount dismissing of Dismissives So you have a dismissive partner, they should read this book and you are a Dismissive partner reading this book Hey you, you suck, and your partners should leave you because you a helpless case. This book focuses on relationships with a dismissive partner mostly romantic relationships, but it also looks at people with dismissive attachment style as parents for example It s an interesting read, but I have three reasons to only give it a two star rating 1 I think with this book you have to be able to translate the information you get into your subjective situation The content of the book is well researched, but at the same time, it focuses only on people who have a very extreme and firmly cemented style of dismissive Avoidant attachment There is barely any room for nuances For example, an aquaintance of mine definitely fits into the firm dismissive Avoidant category, but I personally read the book because my partner is of the fearful Avoidant style, but at the same time a reasonably good communicator, consc I was engrossed in this book I couldn t put it down and finished it in 3 days There is a lot of new and interesting information My biggest disappointment with the book was how many LONG paragraphs are copied in from other authors many, many pages worth I ve already read John Gottman s books and referencing his work in passing is fine, but such frequent lengthy quotes, taken directly from Gottman s book and several others books, makes this book nearly twice as long as it would be otherwise I think there s too much of that Other than that I liked the book and learned some new things and new ways of looking at things There were some helpful suggestions for both the Avoidant and the one who loves the Avoidant I liked his focus on not blaming either the Avoidant or the non Avoidant for being the way that t Should have read earlierVery informative I feel like if I d read this book 9 years ago, it would have saved a lot of time, energy, and emotions.
Dismissive Avoidant approvesI am Dismissive Avoidant, with a Fearful Avoidant partner Apparently a rare pairing and I could understand why Our communication has been terrible I found this book an illuminating, objective overview of the issues we face and how they might be resolved Thank you for writing this book Not 5 stars because there were typos and some shoddy presentation of arguments. · Avoidant â Useful info, but as someone who s been pegged as an Avoidant by a former partner, who encouraged me to read this as the book itself instructs you, the anxious person, to do , this came off as very condescending and, well, dismissive of Avoidant people. Maybe this book works makes sense for people in relationships with Avoidant people, but if you re going to encourage Avoidant partners to read something, maybe make it something that isn t outright insulting to them several times throughout the book I think you could provide the same info without that Same issue I have with The God Delusion aimed a Christians, trying to get them to see the error of their ways, but super condescending to actual Christians while being a good source of info, and a pretty good read for atheists, except for the parts where he tries to prove stuf I liked this book and how he emphasized the important things from other well known books It helped me further understand my Avoidant husband and that he s actually fearfully Avoidant as opposed to dismissive Avoidant It made me empathize with his situation and have a better conversation regarding our attachment styles and what we might be able to overcome And would you know it, he s started to open up and move towards me True love is understanding and empathy Okay, so there is some really useful information about attachment type theory here Ironically, the best part of this book is that the author doesn t follow academic writing conventions and just blockquotes huge sections of academic research, which means you re getting a lot of summary of scholarly work When it comes to his own perspectives, he has some pretty terrible ideas the chapter on domestic violence, in particular, reveals some really tired, apologist ideas about how spouses almost share responsibility for abuse That said, if you can ignore those parts it s a pretty good primer and has some concrete tips on dealing with your own attachment issues in a constructive way. Kinnison S Previous Book On Finding A Good Partner By Understanding Attachment Types Bad Boyfriends Using Attachment Theory To Avoid Mr Or Ms Wrong And Make You A Better Partner Brought Lots Of Readers To JebKinnison, Where The Most Asked About Topic Was Dealing With Avoidant Lovers And Spouses There Are Many Readers In Troubled Marriages Now Who Are Looking For Help, As Well As People Already Invested In A Relationship Short Of Marriage Who D [ Pdf Avoidant Æ norman PDF ] by Jeb Kinnison » Like Help Deciding If They Should Stick With It The Reason Why There Is So Much Interest Is The Large Number Of People In Relationships With Avoidants Who Struggle With Their Lack Of Responsiveness And Inability To Tolerate Real Intimacy Relationships Between An Avoidant And A Partner Of Another Attachment Type Are The Largest Group Of Unhappy Relationships, And People Who Love Their Partners And Who May Have Started Families And Had Children With An Avoidant Will Work Very Hard To Try To Make Their Relationships Work Better, Out Of Love For Their Partner And Children As Well As Their Own Happiness And It S Also True That The Avoidants In These Relationships Are Than Likely Unhappy With The Situation As Well Retreating Into Their Shells And Feeling Harassed For Being Asked To Respond With Positive Feeling When They Have Little To Give The Other Reason Why So Many People Are Looking For Help On This Topic Is That It Is An Almost Impossible Problem Couples Counsellors Rarely Have The Time Or Knowledge To Work With An Avoidant And Will Often Advise The Spouse To Give Up On A Dismissive, Especially, Whose Lack Of Responsiveness Looks Like Cruelty Or Contempt And Sometimes It Is Yet There Is Some Hope Though It May Take Years And Require Educating The Avoidant On The Patterns Of Good Couples Communication, If Both Partners Want To Change Their Patterns Toward Secure And Satisfying Models, It Can Be Done How Can You Tell If Your Partner Is Avoidant Does Your Partner Seem Not To Care How You Feel Frequently Fail To Respond To Direct Questions Or Text Messages Accuse You Of Being Too Needy Or Codependent Talk Of Some Past Lover As Ideal And Compare You To Them Act Coldly Toward Your Children And The Needy Remind You That He Or She Would Be Fine Without You Withhold Sex Or Affection As Punishment If That Sounds Familiar, Then Your Partner Is Likely Avoidant At About % Of The Population, Avoidants Have Shorter, Troubled Relationships, And Tend To Divorce Frequently And Divorce Again If Remarried What Can Be Done Individual Therapy For The Motivated Avoidant Can Move Their Default Attachment Style Toward Security, And To The Extent That Problems Have Been Made Worse By An Overly Clingy And Demanding Anxious Preoccupied Partner, Therapy Can Help There, As Well Insecure Partners Who read And Absorb The Lessons Of These books Will Have A Head Start On Noticing And Restraining Themselves When They Are Slipping Into An Unsatisfying Communications Pattern, And An Intellectual Understanding Of The Bad Patterns Is A Step Toward Unlearning Them Not All Difficult Avoidants Can Be Reformed That Depends On Both Partners, The Depth Of Their Problems, And Their Motivation And Ability To Change Over Time But Many Troubled Marriages And Relationships Can Be Greatly Improved, And The People In Them Can Learn To Be Happier, With Even Modest Improvements In Understanding How They Can Best Communicate Support For Each Other For Those Reading Who Have Not read Bad Boyfriends Or Are Less Familiar With Attachment Types, A Beefed Up Section On Attachment Theory And Attachment Types From Bad Boyfriends Is Included Regular Readers Of JebKinnison Will Find Edited Versions Of Some Relevant Material Previously Posted There
Jeb Kinnison grew up in the Midwest, studied computer and cognitive science at MIT, and wrote programs modeling the behavior of simulated stock traders and the population dynamics of economic agents He went on to fo supercomputer research at a think tank that developed parts of the early Internet where the engineer who decided on as the separator for email addresses worked down the hall Si